This image created in anticipation of a Maloney exit. Hope springs eternal, eh?Truncated recap this week, as I have things that are muchmore important than the X-Factor to occupy my time for once, like watchingpaint dry, counting the blades of grass in a field, and listening to thecollected works of Christopher Maloney until I start bleeding out my eyes. Regular service and style of blog will resume next week.
First up is the sad news that Lucy Spraggan’s lesbianism hasreached the point where she is now a threat to mankind, and has been put downon the orders of the X-Factor veterinarian. Rather more surprising is therevelation that they’re not going to milk her exit for more drama by havinganother Amelia Lily-esque wildcard round, or bringing back an ejectedcontestant. Instead they’re just going to quietly go on with the show. Perhapsthis is an indication of a change of pace for the X-Factor, forgoingludicrousness and column-inch generating spectacle in favour of dignity andsombre performance. Well no, it isn’t, cos first up is Rylan.
RYLAN NATION!
Style: A parakeet covered in blood
VT Highlights: During a trip to Essex, Zingerbot gets tomeet the locals, learns to speak TOWIE and loses about 20% of her brain cells inthe process. Fun times in Essex concludes when Nic agrees to get a diamonteportrait of Rylan glued to her vagina. No, really.
Song: Hung Up
JUDGES! Gary says the first 10 seconds of it weren’t awful,which probably means Rylan is going home tomorrow.
Union J
Style: Topman liquidation sale
VT Highlights: Origin Story expounding on the boys’personalities so that prepubescent girls can decide which one they want tomarry. Quicker than you can say “they’re going to describe one of them as “thecheeky one”, they tell us that Poor Man’s Harry Styles is the cheeky one. Forthe record, JJ used to be a jockey, so marry him if you want the ride. Josh isthe funny one, so marry him if you want a laugh! Poor Man’s Harry Styles iscloned from the pubic hairs of Harry Styles, so marry him if you want him tocheat on you with your mam. And Gaymi is... the sensitive one. Marry him if youwant a relationship resembling Tobias and Lindsey from Arrested Development.
Song: Taylor Swift’s Love Story. Gaymi fucks it up bychanging the lyrics to “Civilly Partnerfy me, Romeo”, breaking down on stageand shouting “I’m sick of living a lie!” while tears steam down his face.
JUDGES! Are uniformly positive in their assessments. Boo.
Kye Sones
Style: 20 years too young for him.
VT Highlights: Kye has an incredibly contrived and scriptedconversation with his chimney sweep brother, about their lives as chimneysweeps. I feel like there’s a great plot for a video game here. Hard workingchimney sweeps Kye and Kyesbrother find a secret portal up a chimney that bringsthem to the Fungus Kingdom where they fight the evil King Simon and win theheart of the beautiful Princess Toadstool. They enter into a modernrelationship, with the brothers spending alternate nights with the princess,making jokes about cleaning out her flue.
Song: An incredibly painful performance of the New Radicals’You Only Get What You Give, wherein Kye seems even more desperate than normalto appear younger and bouncier than he actually is. After coming off stage, hecollapses onto a sofa and spends the rest of the show on a nebuliser.
JUDGES! Agree that Kye’s contrived attempts at beingyouthful are almost as irritating as his contrived attempts to be “alternative”.
James Arthur
Style: Sloth from The Goonies meets Ben Mitchell meets theElephant Man in an Oxfam shop.
VT Highlights: James meets No Doubt. Gwen Stefani runsscreaming from the room shouting “Kill it with fire! Kill it with fire!”. Also:James is happy that his mam and dad hate each other 20% less than they used toas a result of his being on the X-Factor.
Song: No Doubt’s Don’t Speak, as performed by a constipatedman who has also swallowed several razor blades. Also: there is a rap. I amglad I don’t have the time for an extended recap, otherwise I would spend atleast two paragraphs on the awful of the rap. Following the awful, awful rap:more constipated noises that sound vaguely like HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH DON’T HRRRRDON’T URRRRRRGH DO-WHOOAAAAAAA-WHOOOOA-URRRRRRRGH-N’T SPEEEEEEEA URRRRRGH bringthe song to a blessed conclusion.
JUDGES! Praise James’s effortless credibility but criticisehim for scaring Gwen Stefani. She’s still lost by the way. Reward offered iffound before tomorrow’s results show.
Adella, the last remaining girl and artist formerly known asEpona, the Celtic Goddess of Donkeys, Mules and Horses, in her mortalform as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone.
Style: Beautiful fetlocks set up by understated bridle andglamourous yet subtle saddle.
VT Highlights: Adella goes for a masterclass with No Doubt,which consists of Gwen Stefani pretending to have watched a video of all yourperformances and then telling you that you’re great.
Song: Firework by Katy Perry. Less oversinging than lastweek leads me to conclude that we get a decent Adella performance every 2ndweek. Next week we can expect a return of Mariah Carey syndrome, as Adellaoverperforms every single vowel like it was a mini-opera.
JUDGES! Nicole thinks that watching Ella is like watching amovie. Glitter, perhaps. Louis calls her a little [star].
District 3
Style: Whatever was left over from the Topman liquidationsale when Union J were finished there.
VT Highlights: Origin story! Once upon a time, District 3were just 3 normal boys, but then they were bitten by a radioactive boyband,and ever since then they’ve had the proportionate strength, speed and cunningof autotuned twentysomethings. Feared and hated by a world they have sworn tosing to, despite its protestations, they are the Uncanny District 3! Unfortunately,the radioactive boyband who bit them were also American, so everything District3 sings sounds like one of those awful radio adverts where a person who isn’tAmerican pretends to be because, I dunno, American voices sell more?
Song: That dynamite song where the word dynamite ispronounced as "dynomite" throughout.
JUDGES! Summed up astutely by the Zingerbot with the words “Nobaby, no”. Each judge pans the performance, while Louis Walsh flaps about and squawksabout how they’re completely wrong and it was actually brilliant.
Jahmene Douglas
Style: Boring suit. Quelle surprise.
VT Highlights: Basically, Nicole Scherzinger got high andwent to work in Asda for a day. She scanned items to see how many was in stock,berated Jahmene for picking somethingwith rhubarb in it, terrorised the customers on the in-store tannoy, and wasgenerally amazing. Sorry, shamazing. Sorry, jahmazing.
Song: LISTEN. You know, that Beyoncé song where she exhortsyou to LISTEN. Not that you need to listen carefully when Jahmene is singing,because even people who lost their television reception thanks to Saorview canstill hear Jahmene obliterating the sound barrier. He’s toned it down this weeka little, so there’s only about 17 syllables per note, rather than the usual38.
JUDGES! All agree that Jahmene nailed it. Zingerbot looksclose to experiencing her first emotion ever and says the performance was likeJahmene was lighting a torch. I don’t know what that’s meant to mean, but Ifeel compelled to preserve everything Nicole Scherzinger says for posterity.
Christopher Maloney
Style: KILL IT
VT Highlights: Chris decides to deal with claims that he’s abit of a diva and that he’s a complete faker about 4 weeks after they wereoriginally made. The X-Factor: always with its finger on the pulse of theinformation nation. They also have website! On the internet! You know that coolnew thing you can get on your 56k modems? Wah wah wah, Chris is not a cunt.Except he totally is.
Song: All By Myself, in the style of Celine Dion.
JUDGES! Louis says that the purpose of the show is to find aninternational recording star, and that he can’t imagine Chris ever becomingthat, unlike Alexandra Burke, Shayne Ward, Matt Cardle, Steve Brookstein, LeonJackson and Joe McElderry.RESULTS SHOWRita Ora takes off all of her clothes, while No Doubt attempt to ressurrect their careers.My faith in mankind is dashed as Chris Maloney makes it through YET AGAIN. Seriously, I'm going to have to make a violent intervention soon. Get him off my screen or else I'm going to destroy television.The sing-off is between Kye and Rylan. Nic and Gary save their acts, Louis saves Kye, and Tulisa decides to stay through to her urban roots by saving Rylan. This means Deadlock for the millionth time this series, and the continued irrelevance of the judges. The public have spoken and Rylan is safe. So it's back to the chimneys with Kye, while Gary Barlow, whose only remaining contestant is CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MALONEY, has an aneurism about the unfairness of it all. Will somebody please think of the music??
Read More of Jonathan's writing on his blog, Off The Top of My Head
