Tales from the Bedroom

To preface this, I just want to discuss how nobody talks about how awkward sex is. There is such a standard and expectation for what sex should be like, that very often we forget that we’re all human and that we’re allowed to make mistakes. This is something I’m guilty of as well, so this piece is coming from the heart. You don’t always have to look like a pornstar, and sex is usually never smooth sailing, so why do we hold ourselves to such a standard? For this piece I asked around and compiled some interesting and anonymous stories from real students, so have a read and take some pressure off yourself. It could be a lot worse, as I’m sure you’ll soon find out.‘A Broken Handjob’“I randomly went out one night with a friend, dancing away to The Smiths in the Bróg and this soft Indie boy started coming on strong, and he was the boy for me. Hadn’t had sex in nearly a year so I invite him back to mine, and on the way back he’s being really romantic, giving me kisses, so naturally I assume we’re getting married. We get back to mine and I tell him to wait in the kitchen while I tactically and drunkenly go upstairs to clean my room because it was a mess. Cut to me coming back down and falling down the stairs, ultimately breaking my hand but being too drunk to notice (or care). Bróg boy saw everything and started asking me if I was okay; I brushed it off and said yes so we could get to it. So, we have a wonderful night, honestly really good, but the next morning when we wake up, we’re kissing and my hand kind of hurts, but I assume it's the hangover. One thing leads to another and I take my hand out to get busy and it is HUGE. My hand is very obviously broken and Bróg Boy is nothing short of freaked out, to the point where he asks me to stop fishing with his rod, if you get me. We were getting on really well up until that point and after he leaves, I realise that he has blocked me on Snapchat and unfriended me on everything.”‘Planning is Key’“In a house made up of two boys and my cousin, I was sleeping with the two boys (but not my cousin obviously) at the same time. We made a schedule.”‘A Trip to the Wild West’“Started getting with a guy at a sesh and we soon realised that neither of us had a condom. Did we do the sensible thing and stop? Nope. As an alternative we decided to do anal, but it was my first time and no preparation was made at all. Do not do anal as an impromptu decision. I was walking like John Wayne just off his horse the entire next day.”‘-REDACTED- in Paris’“So, it wasn’t bad sex. A fairly casual hook-up with a lad I didn’t know, grand job. He was down in Cork on a stag night, I was out for drinks with the girls. He seemed fairly sound and lathered on the compliments. Between one thing and another, we ended up back at my flat and did the dirty. He finished within 15 minutes, rolled over in the bed and started talking nonsense. My mistake from earlier in the night had come back to haunt me – I hadn’t asked him enough questions when we were out to verify if he was a fool or not. And now, I had this fool revealing just how misogynistic he was next to me in the bed. He asked if we could go for round two, I said not without protection (look after yourself and your boundaries!). He said it would be grand to just take the condom he had already used out of the bin, turn it inside out and go again. Now, I knew that would not only wreck my pH balance, but also my self-esteem. So, to get him out of the gaff, I faked going on holidays. At 3:30 in the morning, I sat up in bed in mock horror at the realisation that I had to get on a flight to Paris at 7am (I didn’t). I jumped up and, still naked, started packing a suitcase I pulled from the wardrobe. He asked if I wanted him to book a taxi for me, I said it would be best if he just left as I was in a hurry. Once I had closed the door after him, I threw the suitcase back into the wardrobe and went back to sleep.”‘The Ice Lolly’“Wanting to play around with temperature, I grabbed an ice lolly from the freezer (Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles for anyone curious) and rubbed it all over his dick. It was grand and fun, but in retrospect I would use an ice cube, or at least wipe the residue off instead of sucking it off like I did before riding, because guess who got a yeast infection?”‘Sliders but as Gaeilge’“In the Gaeltacht, I slept with one boy for the first two nights and got on grand. Night three rolls around, and I end up taking home boy number two, who kindly leaves once he realises that I have passed out drunk about halfway through. Boy one returns looking for the sliders that he somehow lost in the previous two nights, comes in to find me in all my glory, half-naked wearing one of his sliders. And he came back the next night for more.”‘Rude Interruption’“One time, my mom walked in on me masturbating while I was watching porn. I panicked and told her I was just answering emails, but I don’t think she believed me, because when she closed the door she said “Don’t be taking nude pictures of yourself”. Stealthy.”‘What are you doing in my swamp?’“Imagine getting your ass eaten while Shrek 2 is playing in the background. It’s not as enjoyable as it seems, but it put a whole new perspective on the idea of ‘Netflix and Chill’ for me.”‘Into the Wild’“I was getting onto this guy for a while, and he was gorgeous. There was always a bit of sexual chemistry, so one night I decided to bite the bullet and head over to his. Spent the day hyping myself up, and as we were getting down and dirty, I remembered that I had forgotten to shave. We’re not talking about a couple of stubbly patches; it had been a while and my 70s bush sprung forth the moment my pants came off. I’m in no way against body hair (and neither was he, thankfully), but what was getting to me was that I had somehow remembered to put on full lingerie but had not seen the Australian Outback that was my vagina. It worked out though, so that’s a bit of a plus.”If these stories did anything for you aside from horrifying you, I hope they made you laugh. The important thing is to stop being so hard on yourself when you have sex, so take a breather and try to enjoy it. It is okay to make mistakes, and whether you forget to shave, or whether you inadvertently shove an ice lolly into your vagina, try to remember that odds are the other person is also probably feeling as awkward as you are. Being vulnerable, especially during sex is never easy, but the moment you embrace the vulnerability, Everything will start to feel better. So, take a second, relax, and go with the flow. If mistakes are made, then embrace it. Odds are the other person will appreciate an acknowledgement and it’ll make everything a whole lot less awkward. And unless something has gone astronomically wrong, it probably won’t be remembered. Many, many thanks to the people who contributed, and hopefully this piece has got you thinking in a new way.Questions? Comments? Got an embarrassing story? Email me at sexpress@uccexpress.ie and I’ll do my best to help you! Many thanks once again to everyone who contributed. XOXO, Sexpress.