Horoscopes With Mystic Greg

Aries (Mar. 21st - Apr. 19th) - The stars are telling me something… I can’t quite make it out… something about you being… a heckin’ cool dude.Lucky accessory of the week: Some heckin’ cool sunglasses Taurus (Apr. 20th - May 20th) - Maybe someday we’ll learn that by punching nazis, we were the real nazis all along.Lucky upcoming Netflix show of the week: Iron Fist Gemini (May 21st - June 21st) - The stars really want you to wear less neon. C’mon man, being luminous is their gig. Stop stealing their look.Lucky colours of the week: Some nice, neutral earth tones. Cancer (June 22nd - July 21st) - YAAAAAAAS GAGA. SLAAAAAAY. YAAAAAS QUEEEEEEEN. YAAAAASSSSS MAMA. WERK IT.Lucky activity of the week: Cultural appropriation Leo (July 22nd - Aug. 21st) - In times of stress it’s important to remember that if you rub the nose of the George Boole statue outside the library it’ll give you good luck.Lucky metal of the week: Bronze Virgo (Aug. 22nd - Sept. 22nd) - Look, I’m not saying you should fight the deli person who put the salad last in your hot chicken roll. I’m just saying it’s something you should consider.Lucky sandwich filling order of the week: Salad, THEN chicken Libra (Sept. 23rd - Oct. 22nd) - What’s the biggest animal you could feasibly beat in hand to hand combat? Better figure it out soon. Knowing will come in handy this week.Lucky game of the week: Hide & go seek Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) - You’re so pure and good, the stars would hug you if they were not fiery balls of gas. Also be wary of cucumbers this week. Trust me.Lucky purchase of the week: An aubergine Sagittarius - (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) - We get it, okay? You just *wipes single tear from eye* really love this politics lark. Might want to calm down a bit. There’s a point where it stops being ‘important’ and starts being just straight up irritating.Lucky activity of the week: Being Quiet Capricorn - (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 20th) - Y’know what’s great? Screaming into the void. It’s a good shout, literally.Lucky noise of the week: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH Aquarius - (Jan. 21st - Feb. 19th) - It’s your birthday and you can cry if you want to. The stars recommend the bathrooms in the Boole Basement, lots of graffiti to entertain you while you sob.Lucky graffiti of the week: ‘My tears woz ere’ Pisces - (Feb. 20th - Mar. 20th) - Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Shrek? I don’t think that, but somebody once told me...Lucky Vegetable of the week: Onions