Horoscopes with Mystic Greg

Aries (Mar. 21st - Apr. 19th) - You get a fresh new haircut this week that really matches your star sign. Is that a good thing? Consider the collective term for people of your sign and get back to me on thatLucky winter accessory of the week: A hat to hide your fresh new ‘doTaurus (Apr. 20th - May 20th) - It’s apt that your star sign is a bull, because that’s what all your hastily typed last-minute assignments are going to consist of. Who needs an honours degree and a good night’s sleep anyway, amirite?Lucky computer programme of the week: Spellcheck; don’t embarrass yourselfGemini (May 21st - June 20th) - The days may be getting freezing and dark, but they have nothing on your cold, dead heart. Merry Bitchmas.Lucky food of the week: 80% cocoa chocolate to match your bitter personalityCancer (June 21st - July 22nd) - How could you hurt Michael Bublé like that?? How dare you??Lucky item of the week: A business card to disassociate yourself from the disease that shares your namesakeLeo (July 23rd - Aug. 22nd) - Dude, stop getting involved in things, you need to chill (unless you’re getting involved in trying to set up a NapSoc, that sounds pretty sweet)Lucky furniture item of the week: A bedVirgo (Aug. 23rd - Sept. 22nd) - Virgo? More like Virg-ho, or at least that’s what you want people to think. The stars still know the truth though… they always doLucky detective accessory of the week: A magnifying glass to see how long those condoms have left before they expireLibra (Sept. 23rd - Oct. 22nd) - Okay buttface, we get it: you graduated. Now throw me that crowbar so I can start prying your head out of your rectumLucky pharmaceutical product of the week: Medical-grade lubricantScorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) - Happy heckin birthday my dude, or extraction day if you were born via c-sectionLucky sexual act of the week: A cheeky birthday beejSagittarius (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) - Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because we fucking survived election season…though for how long only the stars know.Lucky Tesco product of the week: A fuck-off big box of tissuesCapricorn (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 19th) - Remember to read the description of things properly when shopping online: your butthole will thank you for itLucky item of the week – A cushion for your sore buttAquarius (Jan. 20th - Feb. 18th) - No matter how much you try and deny it, Cork will always be far superior to Kerry. Sorry man.Lucky River of the week: The river of tears you cry as you finally realise Cork superiority.Pisces (Feb. 19th - Mar. 20th) - From now on you are officially BANNED from contributing to political discussions. No ifs, no buts, BANNEDLucky book of the week: Dummies Guide to Socialism