Horoscopes with Medium Phil

Aries (Mar. 21st - Apr. 19th) - Alright, we get it, you ironically love shit chicken: no matter how many times you call it “cheeky” it won’t wash away the sinsLucky sauce of the week: Anything but Peri PeriTaurus (Apr. 20th - May 20th) - Dude, give up the hentai. This is a safe spaceLucky anime of the week: Cory in the HouseGemini (May 21st - June 20th) - As the friend-zone closes in, suffocating you, you fear the worst...until you realise it’s not a real thing. Time to move on, dude.Lucky spoon: m’ladle.Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd) - A puppy will befriend you today. And tomorrow. And every day. This is your life now, for you are a friend to all puppers.Lucky: A good name for one of your new pupper friends.Leo (July 23rd - Aug. 22nd) - You can tug on your beard, puff on your pipe or sip from your vintage hip-flask all you want, people will still spell your name with a ‘Z’.Lucky item of clothing: overly tight pants.Virgo (Aug. 23rd - Sept. 22nd) - You will defeat the evil government by spray painting three letters on a wall & smoking rollies. Congratulations comrade.Lucky Method of dismantling the bourgeoisie elite: Amber Leaf.Libra (Sept. 23rd - Oct. 22nd) - You will display an emotion to the people around you, revealing that you are not, in fact, a sociopath (you’re just a dickhead)Lucky aquatic animal: crabs.Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) - Don’t worry, your phone charger should dry out after dropping it down the jacks. As long as you didn’t go before flushingLucky birthday present: that new phone you probably got because of the charger thing.Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) - LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADSLucky book: A manual on how to deal with your partner’s hentai addiction.Capricorn (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 19th) - You’re cute.Lucky oddly specific item of clothing: a shark onesie.Aquarius (Jan. 20th - Feb. 18th) - A passerby this week will be your one true love. Sadly they were on a bike, and you were too busy eating a kebab to notice.Lucky lifelong companion: a veritable herd of cats.Pisces (Feb. 19th - Mar. 20th) - Beware of butlers, open sewers and any other obvious traps: there is something fishy about, and it’s not just your star signLucky item: A phoenix down and a bag of senzu beans.