Horoscopes, brought to you by Sirius Speculation

Aries: You are going to pull a monumental whitey. Taurus: That person you’ve been shagging on and off since rag is ending it with you this week. Only then will you realise the extent of your feelings. The cure? Their roommate.Gemini: Your dry spout and overall misery will end. You’ll end the academic year with a bang (pun intended), making it the most memorable of your life.Cancer: A time of giving yourself multiple orgasms while you think about abandonment.Leo: Stop looking at memes! Go outside! Drink water! You haven’t been to the doctor in 6 years!Virgo: You’re not afraid of leaving your home you’re just scared of being surrounded by uglies.Libra: You’ll go for a walk without your phone, then end up running home to get your phone as soon as you see something Instagrammable, Instagram it, then run home, put your phone on charge, then go for a nice walk without your phone again.Scorpio: Close your eyes. Your da’s homemade porno from the 80s is making a comeback and is reclaiming itself as ‘vintage’.Sagittarius: You’ll have so many coffees during exam season that will make you super jittery, but focused. People will begin to suspect an actual cocaine addiction.Capricorn: You’ll be getting hauled out of Boole for excessive smoochin’ in the bathroom.Aquarius: Unvaccinate yourself.Pisces: Most of the time it will be very bad. But infrequently, there will be small short bursts of euphoric discomfort