Horoscopes brought to you by Sirius Speculation

Aries: You’ll be getting rammed someday this week; make sure the left-over take-away burrito is off the bed.Taurus: You’ll have the best shit of your life on Thursday. Pity it’ll be coming out the wrong end while you’re having dinner with your supervisor.Gemini: Christ.Cancer: Your friends are leaving you this week, solely due to the fact that you were caught associating with gremlins from CIT.Leo: Rimjobs in the forest near the Lee again, I’d say. Make sure the candles forming the pentagram are actually lit this time.Virgo: Your virginity is growing back … finally. These few hours of chastity are when life will come together again.Libra: Don’t cross the road near Castlewhite for the remainder of the academic year. Scorpio: Yes! He finally will spit in your mouth.Capricorn: Your sign is not a goat for no reason. This week only you’ll be perceived as The GOAT. You will progress up the social ladder, eventually becoming an influencer. Next week is another story.Aquarius: You sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker - your rag week is extended by one month.Pisces: In absolute pieces, I’d say. Your indirects on Twitter begging for someone to come over and hug you while they feed you ice-cream will finally come through. Not going to fix you, though.